Some days are tougher than others.

  Summer is here in Alaska and I could not be happier. I love having all 3 kids home during the day. I hate that school takes so much time. I mean really 8 hours for 5 days a week... don't get me started on that subject. However some days are better than others. Some days they play great together and no one cries (okay that hasn't actually happened yet but some days we almost make it with no tears). Some days they wake up crying and spend the rest of the day looking for reasons to make each other scream and cry. Most days fall somewhere in between into just happy normal summer days.
   I can for sure mark yesterday down as one of those not so great days. We decided to go to a playground close by to play with some friends for the day. We were having a great time until my son runs over to tell me Kannika pooped in the baby swing. I thought maybe he was overreacting but I took the wipes and paper towels and headed over. What I found was poop EVERYWHERE! She had smeared it on the swing and on the chain of the swing! So since we were pretty much the only people at the playground (thankfully!) I stripped her down and cleaned her up. Her dress was still wearable because she was sitting and it had bunched up her back... so glad  for that. Then I had to clean the swing and let me tell you that swing has never been cleaner. I didn't have spare underwear for her because she has been potty trained for 7 months. I also wasn't about to pack up and ruin everyone's day. So I had her sit next to me while everyone played. Kannika then proceeded to pee her pants 4 more times and once on her bedroom floor in the next 6 hours. I was just done by the time I went for my run at 8:30 that night. I was emotionally drained and actually at the point where I was just flat emotionally. That's never good when you are mom because moms can't check out. I was also ready to buy some diapers and pretend she hadn't been potty trained for over 6 months. 
   Somewhere along the course of my run though I remembered that she IS adopted. I don't often think of her as my adopted daughter she is just my daughter. She is just ours. I know that sounds crazy to people who haven't adopted but most days I forget. I forget that she has not always been with us. I forget that she had a whole other life that she was forced to leave behind. I forget that in her little toddler mind and for reasons she can't possibly understand she has been taken from people she loved.  Then days like yesterday happen and I remember that she is going to test me in ways my other children have never dreamed of testing me. So on my run as I remembered what she has been through I prayed asking for God to forgive me for forgetting because she certainly has not forgotten. I prayed for strength to be better. I prayed for God to whisper into her very soul that she is loved and she is good enough. As I put her to bed last night I looked her directly in her dark eyes and told her just those things. I also told her we are her family forever no matter what. No matter how many times she tests us we are not going anywhere and we not going to stop loving her. I prayed with her and asked God to fill her empty spaces in her heart. 
  People who haven't adopted may never understand why a day of regression in potty training would cause so many emotions. It's hard to explain that part except to say it's in her eyes. It's almost as if her eyes are challenging me, "do you love me now all covered in poop and pee?" "are you going to leave me just like everyone else has?" So as I wake her up today I will try to remember to look into her eyes and say "yes, I am still here because I will always be here"