Birthday and Finalizing

   This has been a very busy week. This week was Kannika's 3rd birthday and her first birthday with us. Then the very next day was her finalization in court. I've had so many thoughts and emotions the last few days and from what I've read in the 80 adoption books I've read even at 3 she has had many emotions also.
    Her birthday was exciting and wonderful to finally get to celebrate a birthday with her. By the end of the day she had definitely figured out that birthdays in her new home are pretty fun. She was in the bath with her sister and said "Happy Na (what she calls herself) day NOT happy Ha (what she calls Makayla) day". So it's safe to say she got the point of the day. We probably also celebrated a little more than normal because we missed 2 of her birthdays already. I found myself looking at her though during the day and thinking about her first mom. She most definitely knew what day it was half way around the world. That is not a day any mother will ever forget. I can't possibly put into words all the emotions of celebrating a birthday that another mother does not get to celebrate with her child. It's HARD! As Kannika grows older I am sure it will be hard for her too. I will probably never have her birthday party on her actual birthday just so she can have that day to grieve if she needs to. We will celebrate happily as a family like we did this year. Parties are to much pressure to be happy and pretend the day is not hurtful. I've read from so many adoptees that birthdays are hard that I just want to allow her the room to have a hard day.
   The second emotional part of our week was Kannika's court day. It's a step I have been looking forward to forever! We can finally give her our last name. It's quite the wonderful feeling to be able to write Kannika Nelson down. The judge was so sweet. He gave her a teddy bear from his wife's collection. He said he is doing it for all of the adoptions he presides over until the teddy bears are gone. Kannika loved getting to pick out her own teddy bear. She was so happy that day. She smiled a lot! She was giggling and laughing. I think she had some idea of what was going on. Of course, that may have been because we told her about a thousand times.  As the judge was telling us we were going to raise her like our own child and she would have all the rights of our biological children I was honored to be allowed to raise her. Still though in the back of my mind there was that sadness for the mom who isn't going to watch her little girl grow up. Her amazing little girl who has a bright smile and a wonderful laugh. Her little girl who is so incredibly smart and has some amazing problem solving skills. Seriously, if she can't figure out a toy or a remote control all I have to do is show her once and she gets it after that. She is incredibly advanced with her fine motor skills. Her little girl is such a precious gift and I pray that she knows that somewhere deep inside of her that just knows.
    In normal adoption news she is doing really well. She is getting a bit clingy which could just be normal for her age but I'm not so sure. I've had 2 other kids go through separation anxiety and her cries are different. There is a level of panic in her cry that I did not hear in the other 2. A cry that reminds me she has been (in her eyes) taken from people she loved before and that is still a very real fear for her and probably always will be. We went camping this last weekend and I got in the car to move it away from our campsite leaving her with our friend. She could see me the whole time and yet she panicked and I heard that cry again. I've heard it before or I might not recognize it. We heard it in Thailand at the hotel. It's an interesting thing though I can leave her in the church nursery and she fine because it's familiar. But all other times she is very attached to her mommy right now. This is a good sign because it means she has formed a bond on her side too not just on my side. As sad as it is it means she loves us and does not want to be taken away from us.
    Adoption is so hard! For every happy day there is always sadness that goes with it because no matter how much the culture romanticizes adoption there will be always be the fact that this is not plan A. It's just not. How I wish there was no need for adoption in this world. However, we live in a fallen world and until God restores it we will have pain.
  I was going to end the blog after the finalization since that would signal the end of the adoption but I decided to keep it open and still post some because our adoption journey doesn't really end with her getting our last name. It really is just the beginning of our journey as an adoptive family.