A song by Passion worship has a line that has stayed with me for a bit now.
Here at your feet my desires and dreams, I lay down... read that again. Here at your feet my desires and dreams, I lay down.
We often talk about giving our struggles to Jesus. Letting him have control. To be honest it's not that hard to give Jesus my struggles. I don't really want them. Giving it to God doesn't really seem that hard. Yes, please take my struggles.
What about the opposite of that though? What about when you realize God is asking for your desires and your dreams? Your hopes for the future? Uh... I don't want to give those up!
Throughout this moving process that has been the second hardest thing for me. The first being leaving family and friends. I had dreams for how my kids would grow up. They were going to the same school I went to growing up. My son was finally able to compete for the school and run the same courses I ran. He was going to be on the wrestling team his Grandpa and Uncle coached for years. I would get to be his cross country coach someday. My brother would be his principal. I had always pictured all 3 kids growing up with their friends (some since birth). The fun times we would all get to experience as they grew up. Graduating high school with these friends. It sounds dumb but I had really pictured graduation day for all 3 kids and the times we would share with those around us along the way.
But then God said "this is not what I have for you". But God this is what I want! It's such a great life that I have planned for my kids. They have an amazing school. I can be a big part of their lives and coach them someday. I love my job so much. It was the first time I felt really settled at work. I worked hours that worked for the family. I saw this job working for us until Kannika graduated. Extra income but still being present for my kids... I mean it was pretty much perfect. Yet still I heard "that is not My plan". The hardest thing to do is give God my dreams and plans. He doesn't just want our struggles. He wants EVERYTHING... big heavy sigh here.
Mark 10:28 says "Peter began to say to Him. Behold, we have left everything and followed You."
This is where we are in our season of life. We are just obeying. I don't have new dreams or plans yet. In all honesty, I am still working on letting go of the old dreams and plans.
Thursday, September 12, 2019
Monday, July 29, 2019
Faith like a child
I have decided I need to try harder to have Faith like a child in God. This is what God wants. He wants us to just trust him. I don't need to second guess if He's going to do what we want Him to do. Small children don't wander if their parents will provide for them they just trust that their needs will be met.
God sometimes puts me in situations I cannot control just to remind me that He is in charge and not me. This phase of our lives is one of those times. The last really big situation was when we adopted Kannika. Currently, I am driving all the way across the country. Seriously about as far as you can go. I have my kids and dogs with me and my parents who are helping. Sidenote: I would never have been able to do this without them. The drive has gone great! It really has. I am not getting nearly enough sleep but it's okay my mom drives a few hours a day so I can sleep in the car. I wish I had to do less with the dogs but the kids have been so helpful after day 3 when they realized mommy really can't do it all all of the time. Makayla spent the night throwing up and part of the morning setting us back a bit in our drive. It's okay the little we could drive got us far enough. I lost both keys to the trailer lock but that worked out. My dad is awesome (and the maintenance staff at the last hotel) and got us into the trailer where all of our stuff is for the drive. I have 2 realtors trying their best to get things done on both ends of the country but due to circumstances beyond my control we will be living in a hotel for an unknown amount of time. We hope this is not more than a few weeks but we just really don't know. When I feel my heart racing and my breathing getting faster because this is A LOT to deal with. There are so many moving pieces right now (including our actual location). I just stop and pray and remind myself that God knows and really it doesn't matter. All of these situations were stressful as they were happening. In each situation I had to calm myself and force myself to calm down. The goal of this life is to glorify God not get what I want all the time.
We can be so like children even as adults... always wanting things when we want them even if it's not what we need. I want to be like children in a different way though. I just want to trust in God and not question. At the bottom I have included the words to a song I have had on repeat lately. The very first line grabs me every time! God is not the author of confusion. God brings peace not stress. I am doing my very best to not let these things creep into my life.
I AM A WORK IN PROGRESS!
God sometimes puts me in situations I cannot control just to remind me that He is in charge and not me. This phase of our lives is one of those times. The last really big situation was when we adopted Kannika. Currently, I am driving all the way across the country. Seriously about as far as you can go. I have my kids and dogs with me and my parents who are helping. Sidenote: I would never have been able to do this without them. The drive has gone great! It really has. I am not getting nearly enough sleep but it's okay my mom drives a few hours a day so I can sleep in the car. I wish I had to do less with the dogs but the kids have been so helpful after day 3 when they realized mommy really can't do it all all of the time. Makayla spent the night throwing up and part of the morning setting us back a bit in our drive. It's okay the little we could drive got us far enough. I lost both keys to the trailer lock but that worked out. My dad is awesome (and the maintenance staff at the last hotel) and got us into the trailer where all of our stuff is for the drive. I have 2 realtors trying their best to get things done on both ends of the country but due to circumstances beyond my control we will be living in a hotel for an unknown amount of time. We hope this is not more than a few weeks but we just really don't know. When I feel my heart racing and my breathing getting faster because this is A LOT to deal with. There are so many moving pieces right now (including our actual location). I just stop and pray and remind myself that God knows and really it doesn't matter. All of these situations were stressful as they were happening. In each situation I had to calm myself and force myself to calm down. The goal of this life is to glorify God not get what I want all the time.
We can be so like children even as adults... always wanting things when we want them even if it's not what we need. I want to be like children in a different way though. I just want to trust in God and not question. At the bottom I have included the words to a song I have had on repeat lately. The very first line grabs me every time! God is not the author of confusion. God brings peace not stress. I am doing my very best to not let these things creep into my life.
I AM A WORK IN PROGRESS!
When You speak, confusion fades
Just a word and suddenly I'm not afraid
'Cause You speak and freedom reigns
There is hope in every single word You say
Just a word and suddenly I'm not afraid
'Cause You speak and freedom reigns
There is hope in every single word You say
I don't wanna miss one word You speak
'Cause everything You say is life to me
I don't wanna miss one word You speak
Quiet my heart, I'm listening
'Cause everything You say is life to me
I don't wanna miss one word You speak
Quiet my heart, I'm listening
When sorrows roar and troubles rage
You whisper peace when I don't have the words to say
I won't lose hope when storms won't break
You keep Your word, oh and Your promises will keep me safe
You whisper peace when I don't have the words to say
I won't lose hope when storms won't break
You keep Your word, oh and Your promises will keep me safe
I don't wanna miss one word You speak
'Cause everything You say is life to me
I don't wanna miss one word You speak
So quiet my heart, I'm listening
'Cause everything You say is life to me
I don't wanna miss one word You speak
So quiet my heart, I'm listening
Your ways are higher
You know just what I need
I trust You, Jesus
You see what I cannot see
You know just what I need
I trust You, Jesus
You see what I cannot see
I don't wanna miss one word You speak
'Cause everything You say is life to me
I don't wanna miss one word You speak
So quiet my heart, I'm listening
'Cause everything You say is life to me
I don't wanna miss one word You speak
So quiet my heart, I'm listening
I don't wanna miss one word You speak
'Cause everything You say is life to me
I don't wanna miss one word You speak
So quiet my heart, I'm listening
'Cause everything You say is life to me
I don't wanna miss one word You speak
So quiet my heart, I'm listening
I don't wanna miss one word You speak
'Cause everything You say is life to me
I don't wanna miss one word You speak
So quiet my heart, I'm listening
'Cause everything You say is life to me
I don't wanna miss one word You speak
So quiet my heart, I'm listening
- Chris McClarney
Saturday, July 27, 2019
Leaving... and travel
I have been SO busy! There really hasn't been much time for blogging. Moving with dogs is a lot more complicated than we anticipated but they are a part of the family so I put up with the extra hassle.
Sunday's goodbyes were about as fun as I expected. Saying goodbye is never easy. Church Sunday morning was so hard. I have been in that church since I was 2! I cried through most of the worship time. It was good though to process everything away from the kids. I tell them I am sad but I try not to break down in front of them. Then we said goodbye to some of the kids good friends. Lots of tears on Sunday. Sunday night 2 of my very good friends stayed at my house with me so I wouldn't have to be alone in my sad empty house. The kids stayed at my parents house since they had beds. I had to be at the house because of the dogs. We had a great time but we all knew that goodbye was coming. We said goodbye and I still just miss those 2 so much!
Monday morning brought the actual drive out of Alaska. My parents wanted to leave at 6:30 so I was up at 5 getting everything ready. My brothers and sister-in-law and niece and nephews drove over to say goodbye. That was SOOO hard. I didn't want to leave them. I just wanted to put them in the car and drive them with me. I love my family and we are so close. We still do Sunday lunches every Sunday. It would be easier if we weren't very close... I blame my parents for this :) . The goodbyes had been said and everything was packed. I ran back into the house for the dog bowls I realized I had forgotten and had a mini breakdown. I always had one more task but this time there were no more tasks it just get in the car and really drive away. It was actually time to leave my home, my home state, my family, my super comfortable life. I pulled it together quickly though because we had 15 hours of driving ahead of us.
The drive so far has been uneventful which is a huge blessing since surprises are not welcome on road trips. Our only surprise was that U-haul trailers (or at least the one I got) aren't actually waterproof. I opened the trailer on night number 3 and water fell on my feet. We realized several things were soaked but nothing terrible. In the morning my dad had the great idea to get the big leaf bags and put everything in those. So now all of our bags are protected in trash bags inside the trailer.
I am SO glad my parents made this drive with us. I could not drive all this way without help... 3 kids and 2 dogs are just to much for 1 adult. My dad is extra amazing and drives his car with no breaks every day. I have my mom to give me breaks and handle anything the girls need while I am driving. We only have 5 more days on the road before we get to Florida. We are SO close to being done. Praying hard for a continued uneventful trip.
Sunday's goodbyes were about as fun as I expected. Saying goodbye is never easy. Church Sunday morning was so hard. I have been in that church since I was 2! I cried through most of the worship time. It was good though to process everything away from the kids. I tell them I am sad but I try not to break down in front of them. Then we said goodbye to some of the kids good friends. Lots of tears on Sunday. Sunday night 2 of my very good friends stayed at my house with me so I wouldn't have to be alone in my sad empty house. The kids stayed at my parents house since they had beds. I had to be at the house because of the dogs. We had a great time but we all knew that goodbye was coming. We said goodbye and I still just miss those 2 so much!
Monday morning brought the actual drive out of Alaska. My parents wanted to leave at 6:30 so I was up at 5 getting everything ready. My brothers and sister-in-law and niece and nephews drove over to say goodbye. That was SOOO hard. I didn't want to leave them. I just wanted to put them in the car and drive them with me. I love my family and we are so close. We still do Sunday lunches every Sunday. It would be easier if we weren't very close... I blame my parents for this :) . The goodbyes had been said and everything was packed. I ran back into the house for the dog bowls I realized I had forgotten and had a mini breakdown. I always had one more task but this time there were no more tasks it just get in the car and really drive away. It was actually time to leave my home, my home state, my family, my super comfortable life. I pulled it together quickly though because we had 15 hours of driving ahead of us.
The drive so far has been uneventful which is a huge blessing since surprises are not welcome on road trips. Our only surprise was that U-haul trailers (or at least the one I got) aren't actually waterproof. I opened the trailer on night number 3 and water fell on my feet. We realized several things were soaked but nothing terrible. In the morning my dad had the great idea to get the big leaf bags and put everything in those. So now all of our bags are protected in trash bags inside the trailer.
I am SO glad my parents made this drive with us. I could not drive all this way without help... 3 kids and 2 dogs are just to much for 1 adult. My dad is extra amazing and drives his car with no breaks every day. I have my mom to give me breaks and handle anything the girls need while I am driving. We only have 5 more days on the road before we get to Florida. We are SO close to being done. Praying hard for a continued uneventful trip.
Saturday, July 20, 2019
Empty House
As I sit here in an empty house I have the chance to reflect on the last 8 years we have had here. There are so many memories here. We didn't bring our babies home to this house but we sure have raised them here. We moved in here with a 1 (almost 2) year old and a 4 year old. They were so little at the time. Kannika had even just been born all the way across the world. We didn't know of her yet but we did know we would be adding to our family through adoption.
I look into the room that sat empty for so long and remember all the times I sat in that room and prayed for the child that would eventually sleep there. I would pray for the strength to get through the process when it seemed like we may never bring her home. The moments when Thailand seemed even farther away than it actually was simply because my baby was there and I couldn't get to her. I look into Makayla's room and remember the nights of praying over her as she had vivid nightmares. She was so young to be dealing with those and it was when I learned Satan doesn't play fair. It was where we both learned the power of prayer and Jesus' name. I look into Gavin's room and remember the nights I cuddled him as a little boy. He's not that little boy anymore but I still see him there. I remember the nights he cried over his dog dying. His first dog and really the first time he experienced loss.
I know we will make new memories in our new house and they will be just as sweet. Saying goodbye to this house is not saying goodbye to those memories but it is saying goodbye to a part or our lives. A part of our lives we will never get back.
If saying goodbye to the things that don't live and breathe is this hard I am definitely not looking forward to the next 2 days of saying goodbye to friends and family. Friends who are as close as family. I read a book to the kids called Best Family Ever by Karen Kingsbury. It turned out to be a book about a family moving. The dad in the book prayed for God to help them with their "goodbyes". From the beginning of this journey the goodbyes are what I have dreaded. I have been praying for God to give the kids and Darryl and I the strength to get through the goodbyes.
I look into the room that sat empty for so long and remember all the times I sat in that room and prayed for the child that would eventually sleep there. I would pray for the strength to get through the process when it seemed like we may never bring her home. The moments when Thailand seemed even farther away than it actually was simply because my baby was there and I couldn't get to her. I look into Makayla's room and remember the nights of praying over her as she had vivid nightmares. She was so young to be dealing with those and it was when I learned Satan doesn't play fair. It was where we both learned the power of prayer and Jesus' name. I look into Gavin's room and remember the nights I cuddled him as a little boy. He's not that little boy anymore but I still see him there. I remember the nights he cried over his dog dying. His first dog and really the first time he experienced loss.
I know we will make new memories in our new house and they will be just as sweet. Saying goodbye to this house is not saying goodbye to those memories but it is saying goodbye to a part or our lives. A part of our lives we will never get back.
If saying goodbye to the things that don't live and breathe is this hard I am definitely not looking forward to the next 2 days of saying goodbye to friends and family. Friends who are as close as family. I read a book to the kids called Best Family Ever by Karen Kingsbury. It turned out to be a book about a family moving. The dad in the book prayed for God to help them with their "goodbyes". From the beginning of this journey the goodbyes are what I have dreaded. I have been praying for God to give the kids and Darryl and I the strength to get through the goodbyes.
Thursday, July 11, 2019
So many changes
When I started this blog it was about our adoption. Then Kannika came home and I decided to keep it up to update as needed. That has not been very often. As Kannika has gotten older the adoption struggles have changed and they are more private and not to be shared since they are her story now.
HOWEVER I changed the name of this blog a while ago to Nelson Family Journey. If our adoption journey taught me anything it's that God will come through when it's His plan. He will come through right on time every time. It will work according to His plan. My plan may seem easier but His plan comes with lessons and opportunities my plan never even considered. Adopting Kannika was a time in my life when I could control pretty much nothing and I had to rely on so many other people to do their jobs. People in other states and other countries. I couldn't just drive there and strongly suggest they speed up. I spent so many moments in tears begging God to bring us our girl. God was AMAZING! I have a little girl who reminds me of that every time I look at her and reflect on our journey across the world to get her.
Back to present circumstances, every December I pick a verse to focus on the next year. This last December the verse God kept bringing to my mind was Proverbs 31:25 "Strength and Dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come." Truthfully, I did NOT want to pick this verse. I did not want to laugh at the time to come. Some translations use the words "she does not fear the future". If you've trusted God long you know those words usually mean there will be a reason to fear the future. I tried to pick other verses but God kept saying no, this verse is the one I want you to focus on. So I made a graphic and saved it in my phone. I prayed for God to give me the strength to not fear whatever was coming.
Now I have a new journey to blog about... we are making a huge move! We are moving from Alaska to Florida. In case you weren't great at geography it's about as far as you can move and still be on the North American Continent. I see this blog as an opportunity to update/chronicle our transition without having to repeat myself 100 times (well probably not but this might help a little).
The reasons for the move are just to many to list here. In short about 6 months ago it became very obvious to us that God was asking us to move. We didn't know why or where. We had no idea what it was going to look like we just knew we needed to pray. We spent the next few months praying and seeking God's plan. After much prayer and research we believed we had found where God was leading us. God led us to this wonderful church in Oviedo, Florida. If you aren't sure where that is it's okay neither was I! It's outside of Orlando. :) We are so humbled that God chose Darryl to lead the youth of CrossLife Church to Jesus. God is so good to put Darryl back where he longs to be... serving God and bringing teens to Jesus.
The events that led us to CrossLife were so crazy that really there is no other explanation for how we got there but to say... God did it. Every time we prayed, I prayed God would close all doors we weren't supposed to walk through. He did just that at every step. The hardest part was definitely admitting and accepting that God closed the door to staying home. Home... where we were comfortable and happy. Where our kids were settled and we were close to family. Nothing about change is comfortable for me but God put a peace in my heart that has been completely unexplainable. Back to that verse God wanted me to memorize. For some people this would be nothing to worry about. For me it's huge. I grew up in Alaska more specifically in the church we are serving in. I grew up in the school my children attended. I love my family and I love Alaska. However, knowing God cared enough about my fears and my heart to prepare me for what was coming before it actually got here has me in tears more often than I would like to admit (I'm not a cryer).
Now I am working on selling our house. Darryl is working on buying us a new house. My parents and I are driving across the country with 3 kids and 2 dogs. There are so many moving parts to this journey that if I really stop to think about all of them I get a little panicky. So I don't do that. I look at the next task and I do that task. I pray a lot... change is always good for that. :)
HOWEVER I changed the name of this blog a while ago to Nelson Family Journey. If our adoption journey taught me anything it's that God will come through when it's His plan. He will come through right on time every time. It will work according to His plan. My plan may seem easier but His plan comes with lessons and opportunities my plan never even considered. Adopting Kannika was a time in my life when I could control pretty much nothing and I had to rely on so many other people to do their jobs. People in other states and other countries. I couldn't just drive there and strongly suggest they speed up. I spent so many moments in tears begging God to bring us our girl. God was AMAZING! I have a little girl who reminds me of that every time I look at her and reflect on our journey across the world to get her.
Back to present circumstances, every December I pick a verse to focus on the next year. This last December the verse God kept bringing to my mind was Proverbs 31:25 "Strength and Dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come." Truthfully, I did NOT want to pick this verse. I did not want to laugh at the time to come. Some translations use the words "she does not fear the future". If you've trusted God long you know those words usually mean there will be a reason to fear the future. I tried to pick other verses but God kept saying no, this verse is the one I want you to focus on. So I made a graphic and saved it in my phone. I prayed for God to give me the strength to not fear whatever was coming.
Now I have a new journey to blog about... we are making a huge move! We are moving from Alaska to Florida. In case you weren't great at geography it's about as far as you can move and still be on the North American Continent. I see this blog as an opportunity to update/chronicle our transition without having to repeat myself 100 times (well probably not but this might help a little).
The reasons for the move are just to many to list here. In short about 6 months ago it became very obvious to us that God was asking us to move. We didn't know why or where. We had no idea what it was going to look like we just knew we needed to pray. We spent the next few months praying and seeking God's plan. After much prayer and research we believed we had found where God was leading us. God led us to this wonderful church in Oviedo, Florida. If you aren't sure where that is it's okay neither was I! It's outside of Orlando. :) We are so humbled that God chose Darryl to lead the youth of CrossLife Church to Jesus. God is so good to put Darryl back where he longs to be... serving God and bringing teens to Jesus.
The events that led us to CrossLife were so crazy that really there is no other explanation for how we got there but to say... God did it. Every time we prayed, I prayed God would close all doors we weren't supposed to walk through. He did just that at every step. The hardest part was definitely admitting and accepting that God closed the door to staying home. Home... where we were comfortable and happy. Where our kids were settled and we were close to family. Nothing about change is comfortable for me but God put a peace in my heart that has been completely unexplainable. Back to that verse God wanted me to memorize. For some people this would be nothing to worry about. For me it's huge. I grew up in Alaska more specifically in the church we are serving in. I grew up in the school my children attended. I love my family and I love Alaska. However, knowing God cared enough about my fears and my heart to prepare me for what was coming before it actually got here has me in tears more often than I would like to admit (I'm not a cryer).
Now I am working on selling our house. Darryl is working on buying us a new house. My parents and I are driving across the country with 3 kids and 2 dogs. There are so many moving parts to this journey that if I really stop to think about all of them I get a little panicky. So I don't do that. I look at the next task and I do that task. I pray a lot... change is always good for that. :)
Sunday, November 13, 2016
Time flies but...
So, it's been just over 3 years since we went to Thailand and brought home our daughter. It's crazy to think it has been that long! Most days it feels like she has just always been with us. Then I will see one of her baby pictures from before she was with us and long to have been a part of her life during those 2 years all over again. She is perfect for our family. God is amazing - He plans families to come together in some crazy ways.
You may be wondering why the "but" in the title. Well that's a part of a bigger story. I teach a 6th grade girls Sunday school class at our church. 2 weeks ago we asked these girls to write 3 things they wish we (the teachers) knew about them. We told them it could be anonymous or not that part was up to them. Some were silly, some were interesting, and some were hard. There was one that I just haven't been able to shake. Her note said:
"I wish I knew my dad. I wish I had never been adopted"
Wow, this was hard stuff for child. This is hard for me! I can't tell you how long I stared at her note because right there in front of me written by a sweet 11 year old girl were the very words I pray my daughter never feels in her heart. You guys I am afraid that my daughter will feel this way about us and there it was staring me in the face. If every adoptive parent was being honest those are words we all hope our kids don't feel. You see the difference in being told that by a defiant child/teen to your face and actually feeling that way are 2 different things. I fully expect her to say something to that point during her lifetime out of anger. This note was different. This little girl did not write that out of anger she wrote that because it is how she feels deep in her heart. I do not know her specific situation (because the note was anonymous) BUT I do know this - specifics may not matter. There is an overwhelming number of adopted kids who feel this way and just don't say it out loud. Fast forward 6 years and that note could be written in my own daughter's handwriting. Even though it is one my fears that she will feel this way and an even bigger fear that she will feel this way and not tell us or anyone. This little girl reminded me of what I really need to be praying for... the courage to make safe spaces for our daughter to communicate in. To raise her knowing she can say the thoughts and feelings in those deep places in her heart and know that we will love her no matter what. To help her to know that those thoughts will hurt us but that they still need to be talked about because they hurt her too. I also pray for caring adults in her life that she can open up to. People we can trust to give her guidance when she shares her heart with them. As her mom I pray she does share her heart with trusted adults because I am not naive enough to think any of my children will share everything with me.
So in honor of orphan Sunday let's all remember while it is a great thing for our churches to celebrate let's also leave room for the not so nice feelings. Let's leave room the child who feels "but I didn't want to be adopted". Let's room for the family that is exhausted because they are foster parents to children that come from some very hard places. If we only celebrate the happy side of adoption/foster care we are missing more than half the pictures. Let's be the safe place where the orphans and former orphans can be honest about how they really feel.
You may be wondering why the "but" in the title. Well that's a part of a bigger story. I teach a 6th grade girls Sunday school class at our church. 2 weeks ago we asked these girls to write 3 things they wish we (the teachers) knew about them. We told them it could be anonymous or not that part was up to them. Some were silly, some were interesting, and some were hard. There was one that I just haven't been able to shake. Her note said:
"I wish I knew my dad. I wish I had never been adopted"
Wow, this was hard stuff for child. This is hard for me! I can't tell you how long I stared at her note because right there in front of me written by a sweet 11 year old girl were the very words I pray my daughter never feels in her heart. You guys I am afraid that my daughter will feel this way about us and there it was staring me in the face. If every adoptive parent was being honest those are words we all hope our kids don't feel. You see the difference in being told that by a defiant child/teen to your face and actually feeling that way are 2 different things. I fully expect her to say something to that point during her lifetime out of anger. This note was different. This little girl did not write that out of anger she wrote that because it is how she feels deep in her heart. I do not know her specific situation (because the note was anonymous) BUT I do know this - specifics may not matter. There is an overwhelming number of adopted kids who feel this way and just don't say it out loud. Fast forward 6 years and that note could be written in my own daughter's handwriting. Even though it is one my fears that she will feel this way and an even bigger fear that she will feel this way and not tell us or anyone. This little girl reminded me of what I really need to be praying for... the courage to make safe spaces for our daughter to communicate in. To raise her knowing she can say the thoughts and feelings in those deep places in her heart and know that we will love her no matter what. To help her to know that those thoughts will hurt us but that they still need to be talked about because they hurt her too. I also pray for caring adults in her life that she can open up to. People we can trust to give her guidance when she shares her heart with them. As her mom I pray she does share her heart with trusted adults because I am not naive enough to think any of my children will share everything with me.
So in honor of orphan Sunday let's all remember while it is a great thing for our churches to celebrate let's also leave room for the not so nice feelings. Let's leave room the child who feels "but I didn't want to be adopted". Let's room for the family that is exhausted because they are foster parents to children that come from some very hard places. If we only celebrate the happy side of adoption/foster care we are missing more than half the pictures. Let's be the safe place where the orphans and former orphans can be honest about how they really feel.
Thursday, August 14, 2014
Medical updates
I realize that mostly only family is interested in this post but it does get hard to repeat over and over so this is easier. Since Kannika became eligible for insurance after becoming a US citizen we have been to lots of doctors and she has had lots of tests done. Some of the tests told us exactly what we already knew and some of the tests gave us some surprises.
I will start from the beginning. The first doctor we saw was the pediatric orthopedic surgeon for the obvious deformity in her leg. He ordered some x-rays and I thought he would tell us there was no bone involvement and refer us to a plastic surgeon. Well, I was surprised when he told us there were several things wrong with her leg. Starting at the foot and extending all the way up to her hip. If she wasn't my little girl I would have been more fascinated by what he was telling me. The nurse in me wanted to listen but the mom in me just kept hearing "we have to watch this and keep on eye on this". The obvious was her extra toe with lots of extra fatty tissue. That one was an easy one and she is scheduled for surgery Sept. 30th to get that taken off. She also has what is called a Z-foot which means instead of her foot bones forming like ours do (straight) hers form more of a Z inside of her foot. She also almost no spacing in between her growth plates (all of them) on the affected leg and the Dr. wasn't quite sure what that was going to mean. Her ankle bones are forming a bit crooked but he thinks that might but from the foot deformity (the extra toe and fatty tissue). He is hoping that will resolve after the surgery. She also has a "marking" on her tibia. The Dr. couldn't quite tell if it was a cyst or a whole or possibly a tumor forming. He is supposed to be looking at her MRI to determine what that is. Obviously as a mom my mind went straight to bone cancer but the nurse in me keeps telling me that is incredibly unlikely and I should wait for the Dr. to get the information off of the Thai MRI dvd. Moving up to her knees she is "knock-Kneed" on that side but he thinks it will straighten out after we fix her foot. She has a thicker femur on the affected side also and it is growing slightly curved also. She doesn't have much of a hip socket but that was another wait and see thing. Her affected leg is also longer and he said we have to watch it to see if it gets worse. So basically from the Orthopedic dr. it was A LOT of waiting but she is going to get her extra toe fixed so that is nice. She will be able to wear boots this winter. :)
The next Dr. was the Urologist. She needed an ultrasound on her kidneys to make sure they are not affected by her extra tissue disorder. So far they are not which is excellent news! The urologist is also going to schedule surgery to remove some extra tissue and hopefully make her less likely to get infections in the future. We are hoping she can do it at the same time as the other surgery but we will see.
The next Dr. was the dermatologist. She has had a funny raised rash on her since we picked her up and her foster mom said it had always been there. We did find out that is also genetic and there is nothing we can do about it. It will actually thicken and get worse as she gets older and especially during puberty.
She did also have blood work done for regular things like immunity to common diseases and testing for some other diseases. We haven't gotten the results for those back yet but I don't expect any surprises there. She has been pretty healthy for the almost 1 year that we have had her.
So to sum up she has surgery scheduled for Sept. 30th and everything else is a waiting game. I love her so much and sometimes my heart hurts for her with everything she has already gone through she has to have physical pain too but she is so strong. God definitely equipped her for her life. One very small example of her tough personality is she got her ears pierced last week and barely cried. She hasn't complained once since then about them and she loves to show them off.
I will start from the beginning. The first doctor we saw was the pediatric orthopedic surgeon for the obvious deformity in her leg. He ordered some x-rays and I thought he would tell us there was no bone involvement and refer us to a plastic surgeon. Well, I was surprised when he told us there were several things wrong with her leg. Starting at the foot and extending all the way up to her hip. If she wasn't my little girl I would have been more fascinated by what he was telling me. The nurse in me wanted to listen but the mom in me just kept hearing "we have to watch this and keep on eye on this". The obvious was her extra toe with lots of extra fatty tissue. That one was an easy one and she is scheduled for surgery Sept. 30th to get that taken off. She also has what is called a Z-foot which means instead of her foot bones forming like ours do (straight) hers form more of a Z inside of her foot. She also almost no spacing in between her growth plates (all of them) on the affected leg and the Dr. wasn't quite sure what that was going to mean. Her ankle bones are forming a bit crooked but he thinks that might but from the foot deformity (the extra toe and fatty tissue). He is hoping that will resolve after the surgery. She also has a "marking" on her tibia. The Dr. couldn't quite tell if it was a cyst or a whole or possibly a tumor forming. He is supposed to be looking at her MRI to determine what that is. Obviously as a mom my mind went straight to bone cancer but the nurse in me keeps telling me that is incredibly unlikely and I should wait for the Dr. to get the information off of the Thai MRI dvd. Moving up to her knees she is "knock-Kneed" on that side but he thinks it will straighten out after we fix her foot. She has a thicker femur on the affected side also and it is growing slightly curved also. She doesn't have much of a hip socket but that was another wait and see thing. Her affected leg is also longer and he said we have to watch it to see if it gets worse. So basically from the Orthopedic dr. it was A LOT of waiting but she is going to get her extra toe fixed so that is nice. She will be able to wear boots this winter. :)
The next Dr. was the Urologist. She needed an ultrasound on her kidneys to make sure they are not affected by her extra tissue disorder. So far they are not which is excellent news! The urologist is also going to schedule surgery to remove some extra tissue and hopefully make her less likely to get infections in the future. We are hoping she can do it at the same time as the other surgery but we will see.
The next Dr. was the dermatologist. She has had a funny raised rash on her since we picked her up and her foster mom said it had always been there. We did find out that is also genetic and there is nothing we can do about it. It will actually thicken and get worse as she gets older and especially during puberty.
She did also have blood work done for regular things like immunity to common diseases and testing for some other diseases. We haven't gotten the results for those back yet but I don't expect any surprises there. She has been pretty healthy for the almost 1 year that we have had her.
So to sum up she has surgery scheduled for Sept. 30th and everything else is a waiting game. I love her so much and sometimes my heart hurts for her with everything she has already gone through she has to have physical pain too but she is so strong. God definitely equipped her for her life. One very small example of her tough personality is she got her ears pierced last week and barely cried. She hasn't complained once since then about them and she loves to show them off.
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